Healing from physical abuse, emotional abuse, and narcissism. I was not prepared for this experience, no woman is. I hope that in sharing my truth, I can help you identify the red flags, understand how this harmful behaviour looks, and learn some tools to self-heal when triggered by thoughts of past abuse.
I’m not sure where to start with this experience. I’ve completely blocked parts out of my memory (which is common for trauma survivors), and the rest feels like a giant ball of confusion.
To love a narcissist is to love someone who never existed because none of it is real.
My heart is still not ready to accept this reality.
This all started under the guise of love and I’m a hopeless romantic. I was an easy target for a love bomber because no one loves to love as much as I do! I want to believe in romance and fairytales so bad. I wanted to believe that I had met my dream artist and I would be his muse. It felt like we were soul mates. I couldn’t imagine feeling love with anyone else as I felt with this man.
I held onto this dream until the bitter end. Even after the police asked me to press charges for his physical assault against me, I still found my way back to him and told myself he was my soul mate.
This is how delusional the love bombing made me.
I’ve always believed that with love, anything is possible. And this belief hurt me in the end. I excused awful behaviour because we loved each other and we could ‘work through it’.
But the truth is, this man was a red flag from day one. His ex-girlfriend even contacted me to warn me that he was abusive, throttling her, pushing her, and shouting abuse at her. She even sent me screen grabs of his abusive texts. She warned me he was a narcissist, selfish, and childish and would abandon me. And I chose to not listen to her warning, even when he displayed the exact behaviour that she warned me about.
My choice to ignore the red flags and stay led to years of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and harmful narcissistic behavior that I’m still trying to heal my nervous system from.
Being with a narcissist is never ending drama.
They cannot take accountability for their behaviour therefore his jealousy, anger, upset was always somehow my fault.
Even when we broke up after the assault and I moved on with my life for many years… he still guilted me during this time for having new partners. And when I tried to explain logically to him that when people break up, you cannot guilt them, all he could see was himself. He wasn’t with anyone - or so he claims - for 3+ years. No sex, nothing… and I was convinced to feel guilty for moving forward while he wallowed in self pity. Upon reflection, I see this was just another lie and manipulation.
Here’s what I remember. And trust that it can all unfold so fast. It was a mix of subtle aggressions and full blown physical assaults.
There was the night he got angry and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to escape him so he smashed the glass on the door which then cut my hand and left a permanent scar.
Or the time he yelled at me in public and I told him to stop and he threatened me ‘you’ve not seen me yell’.
There was the way he consistently refused to let me feel anything when he was hurtful. For example, showing up 4 hours late but refusing to hear how this was hurtful.
Or when I waited 40 minutes on the street for him to arrive and when I tried to express how this made me feel, he walked away mid-sentence to chat up a young attractive woman right infront of me. And then while I was on the street crying, I had to beg him to talk to me, but he chose to laugh at me with strangers on the street. This actually triggered an anxiety attack. Later that night I kicked his door and threw things in his home in upset… but the rage I felt was his perfect opportunity for reactive abuse.
Reactive abuse is when the narcissistic abuser pushes you to your edge and when you finally snap, they become the calmest they’ve ever been. They enjoy your reaction.
And that night I snapped after one full year of staying calm with him. I cried, I screamed, I threw things. And in the end of that whole drama… the only thing that mattered to him was my reaction. The next day he guilted me. I was the problem. He was innocent. He used the opportunity to treat me like dog shit. Calling me a whore. And again when I reacted to his abuse… Guess who was the problem?
I feel a lot of embarrassment even writing this because I know how awful it sounds, but in the moment, I could not think clear. I was lost, confused, and alone in that moment. I believed that I needed him.
When I expressed any boundary, he would react vengeful instead of caring that he was hurtful.
For example, the night he made me feel so uncomfortable and unsafe that I had to ask him to leave my hotel room. Instead of resolving the issue, he spent the night with a 55+ year old woman all the while sending me abusive texts and calls telling me I was evil, bitch, whore… for kicking him out of my apartment. You can’t imagine his manipulation and selfishness. To be guilted and blamed for someone’s choice to cheat on you and abuse you. I’m still processing how I could have let this go. He even took a train home with this woman. And when I finally met up with him, I held him as he cried. I consoled a man who emotionally abused me and cheated on me. I just wanted to help him heal. I wanted him to process whatever it was that made him angry. This is why I kept forgiving.
Weeks later, I saw heart emojis from her on his phone. When I asked him about it, he guilted me for looking at his phone and of course, denied my feelings over any of it. I was not allowed to feel anything.
What I slowly discovered is that a narcissists anger and harmful behaviour is ALWAYS ignited by the same thing: When you attempt to address their hurtful behaviour or express your feelings or needs. It never ends well. Never. It got to the point where I just had to keep my head down and swallow my feelings because the alternative would be WW3 with him.
But let me tell you the major incident. The night I thought for sure I would leave this man.
The worst experience was the night of the physical assault and the subsequent charges I could have but never pressed.
I still regret not pressing charges but in my defense, the police officer told me: ‘He feels really bad, maybe don’t do it’. He persuaded me and I was in such a state of shock, I made the wrong choice. I was in his country, alone with no family or friends, just him and I was afraid what would happen if I pressed charges.
This was by far the scariest night of my life. One that I’ve never received so much as an apology for. In fact, he blames me or mocks me with ‘Oh how did I abuse you?’.
Even though I have a police report, witness reports, and was asked to press charges. This isn’t enough for him to take accountability for his behaviour.
I can’t tell you how painful it is for someone to physically hurt you and scare you like this and then pretend it didn’t happen, and even if it did, its my fault.
He believes the physical assault is ok because I had called my mom that night during the phase that his anger was escalting. I called her because I was afraid and his anger was become frightening. He translated this into: ‘You called her to talk bad about me’. This is how egotistical and selfish a narcissist is. Calling my mom because I was genuinely scared of how he was acting was enough for me to deserve physical assault. In fact, it was not physical assault. He won’t even acknowledge it happened.
On this night I actually told myself: ‘I think this man could kill me right now’
On this night, he was not himself anymore. I saw him transform into a dark entity. He became his fathers darkness. I was trapped in a room with a monster and when I tried to run away out the door, he dragged me back into the apartment by my legs. He told me he had to do this because it was late at night and dangerous outside. (This man could stab me and make an excuse for it. Accountability was an impossibility).
A Narcissist will never take accountability for their behaviour
That night, he shoved me against the wall, pushed me onto the bed and bruised me, and dragged me across the floor. He trapped me in his apartment and frightened me with emotional abuse too. I still don’t know what for, we were not in a fight, nothing eventful had happened that night but he was intoxicated and that was never safe to be around.
I eventually escaped to seek safety with complete strangers off the street who circled me to protect me as he tried to tell them: She’s a slut, whore, etc. One of these strangers was so disgusted, she took me into her home and gave me her room for the night.
As always, a woman came to my rescue. They always do.
And that night I received some of the most violent abusive texts I’ve ever seen in my life. He called me a whore, slut, accused me of fucking everyone on the street. There was zero reflection or remorse for what he just did, only more rage. As I slept in this strangers house, my body went into shock. Every few minutes I would jump scare similar to when you have those dreams that you are falling. This was the start of my PTSD.
In the morning when I returned to the apartment, I discovered that he had not slept, he had just sat there fuming, tossing my belongings into a pile, and waiting to unleash more rage on me.
And when I gathered my belongings to go, he suddenly transformed. That’s how easy he could switch his mask.
The rage left in the blink of an eye and he became this sad little boy. He held my hand and said: ‘Please don’t go’. And would you believe I actually fell for this and stayed?
Here’s what I learned from a narcissists rage:
There is no healthy communication with a narcissist: Every serious healthy communication I tried to have with this man was filled with contempt, sarcasm, mocking, and belittling. Every single time. And if I tried to address his behaviour, it only made it worse. Contempt means they believe they are superior to you. And he believed he was superior to everyone! He made fun of everyone, his boss, his ex girlfriend, even his ‘best friend’ who ‘wasn’t a real artist because he traced his art’.
When a narcissists anger is ignited, it does not cool down after time apart. It only gets uglier and fiercer. There’s no reflection phase or accountability, therefore it’s always your fault. Even when I was physically assaulted, this was my fault.
You must never react to a narcissist. Ever. Even if you want to yell or fight back. Do not do it because they enjoy seeing your reaction. It will only give them an invitation to express more rage. The best thing you can do is not react and go no contact with this person immediately. Don’t try to reason or communicate. It is hopeless.
Every argument we had ended in me being slut shamed. Deep down, I know this man hates women. I was constantly accused of getting with other men. I see now that he was projecting his own behaviours onto me because he could not manage anything he felt whether it was jealousy, insecurity, or anger.
Instead of maturely managing his own feelings, he would instantly point at me: It was my fault his anger escalated into dangerous situations, it was my fault he was insecure, and so on.
I wish I would have understood what narcissism was in the beginning. Had I known, it would have explained so many things and prevented me from making excuses and blaming myself.
Here’s what I wish I’d known sooner about dating a narcissist:
Educate yourself the second you sense the red flags: When you don’t have the language or labels to understand the abusive ways in which someone is treating you, it’s easy to make excuses or blame yourself.
People are very quick to judge the woman in a toxic abusive relationship: I’ve received so much judgement from supposed friends that I reached out to and explained what was happening. I was mocked ‘You have horrible taste in men’, ‘I can’t believe you’re back with him’ yet never was there any actual compassion or support. If you’re feeling shamed or judged, its important that you surround yourself with loved ones, practice daily self-compassion, and be gentle with yourself as you heal.
Healing from narcissism and abuse takes time: It requires daily practices to re-balance your nervous system and promote self-compassion.
Narcissists LOVE reactive abuse: A narcissist will push you to your edge and when you finally snap they will become satisfied and calm. This is called reactive abuse. He would do this to me and then when I finally felt rage, he would say ‘See, you’re just like me’.
I feel lots of shame and embaressment about staying with an abusive narcissist and I still battle with the question: ‘Why did I stay?’
It’s easy for those on the outside to over-simplify it and judge. But when you’re with a narcissist, you’re experiencing intense manipulation. I didn’t know a person was capable of saying ‘I love you’ while literally treating you like dog shit.
So, why did I stay… The love. The ‘love’ that I now understand was fake this entire time because a narcissist does not love anyone.
The love you receive from a narcissist is unlike anything you’ve felt before.
And this love made me stay. It made me forgive the physical assault, the cheating, the lies, the permanent scar on my hand, the contempt, the abandonment. I was willing to forgive literally anything this man did - even the humiliation - because we had a love that most people will never feel in their lifetime. At least… that’s the story I told myself.
This wasn’t just any kind of love. It was undying passionate soul-mate kinda love.
The kind of love that had me whispering ‘I love you!’ from the depths of my soul ten times in a night in his company. I was his dream girl, his muse, and and he loved me like he’d never loved anyone before. I believed this wholeheartedly.
I sacrificed my own mental health and wellness to feel that love. I was addicted to it.
The more that I loved this man, the worse he treated me.
I excused the blatant harmful behaviour because I told myself we love each other and we can get through this. Love can get through anything.
So imagine how I felt when I discovered the languaging to understand the reality of my situation. It turned from my soul mate to my abuser.
I still cannot accept that this man never actually loved me. For me, this is unimaginable. It feels like my entire reality has been ripped from under me. It’s made me lose trust in humanity.
With a narcissist, there’s intense love bombing but NEVER mature, healthy emotional connections with others.
I believed it was love because he told me this and I can’t imagine a person would lie about something so sacred as love. I don’t understand the motivation to lie about something like this.
So there it is: I fell in love with a man who never actually loved me.
I let him emotionally and physically abuse me for many years. I’m still processing this, it feels like my entire trust in humanity has been ripped from under me.
You might think you could easily spot this type of person but the love bombing and manipulation made it impossible. I believed the love was so deep between us that I literally forgave everything to hold onto the love. I was in a cycle moving so fast I had zero time to reflect on the reality of the situation.
Here’s what you need to know: All narcissists move the same. They will ALWAYS follow this cycle:
Intense love bombing (where I was made to believe this man adored me).
Anger and degradation phase (you will be kicked off your pedestal and be made to feel very unworthy and small).
Abrupt abandonment (stonewalling, ignoring).
Hoovering (they waltz back into your life weeks, months, years later only to repeat the cycle again).
Do not convince yourself during the hoovering phase with a narcissist that it will be different this time. It will not. Unless they’ve committed to intense ongoing therapy with a psychologist, there’s absolutely no way they will change. And even then, it’s not likely.
I have a lot of shame for letting myself be mistreated for so long. I excused physical assault, emotional abuse, daily contempt, cheating, pathological lying, and manipulation. I genuinely believed that this man loved me. I mean… he acted like he worshipped me.
The reality is: A narcissist does not love you or anyone. They can’t.
This is something I’m still trying to process. I catch myself reflecting on our time together and in retrospect it all seems so obvious how unhealthy the relationship was. It was all manipulation and love bombing. It’s hard for me to imagine trusting anyone again after experiencing this level of deceit.
If you’re not familiar with narcissism, you may find myself - like me - making excuses for this behaviour:
He’s just emotionally immature, he can grow.
He comes from a troubled past, I need to give him time.
He’s experienced trauma…I have to forgive him because we love each other.
Remember, a narcissist does not have true friends or partners. They can’t. They have ‘supply’: people who feed them sex, money, or praise. And they will always ditch you for whatever supply they can get.
I have nothing left to show for opening my heart, home, and body to this man. This man abruptly abandoned me and tried to re-start the cycle of abuse (I won’t even explain how because it’s the same theme). All that remains from my time with this man is a permanent scar on my hand, anxiety, and PTSD.
If you’re reading this and you're either healing from an abusive narcissist or still with one, you’re not alone. The toughest part is truly going no contact and leaving the situation. I promise you, once you go through this phase, things get so much better!
There’s one major red flag that you can easily spot from day one with a narcissist: misalignment in their words and actions.
Trust this one! When you witness this, leave this person immediately and don’t look back. (For example: saying they care and respect you but then acting super disrespectful and hurtful).
This blog is only the beginning. I will continue to speak up about this topic. Next, I will share about the process of moving forward and self-healing.
Here’s some next steps if you’re leaving a narcissist or already in the process of self-healing:
Invite gentle body healing into your daily routine: Listen to my womb healing meditation often (it will help you with body connection and emotional release): Tap HERE to listen now!
Keep speaking up and owning your truth: Don’t feel silenced. I’m here for you, you can always email me or join my private FB group to be a part of a supportive community of women. This is a vital part to your healing journey!
Join my newsletter to receive updates on this topic: This is only the beginning. I’m sharing more on healing from toxic abusive relationships and how to self-heal and truly move forward feeling more confident and empowered.
Joss Frank | Wild Womb
Joss Frank
Hi! I’m Joss Frank, founder of Wild Womb. I understand how womb and body healing ignites when you look within for guidance because I self-healed from my painful periods, depression, anxiety, sexual assault, emotional and physical abuse… after years of failed efforts to feel better about myself. My failed efforts led to a revelation that true healing comes from within and it requires loving community.
Today, as a Yoga Therapist in my practicum, I help people with womb and body healing so they can reclaim their feminine power, LOVE their sacred feminine bodies, and feel more confident.
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