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How To Respond To
‘Not All Men’
Have you been here? You try to express that you feel unsafe or uncomfortable around men and you’re instantly hit with a ‘Not ALL men’
So, how do you respond?
I created this article to inspire you to respond with confidence.
Hi! I’m so happy you’re here. My name is Joss and I help women make womb healing and wellness easy with sacred practices and rituals. I’m IAYT certified in womb yoga, yoga therapy, and yoga nidra. I’m trauma-Informed and happy to say that Wild Womb is 100% Indigenous/BIPOC owned!
Recently I expressed (on social media) that if men didn’t exist I would go topless. Here is what I posted:
It was a light-hearted expression but it was, in-fact, rooted in truth. If men didn’t exist, I would 100% dress differently and feel more comfortable in my body when out in public. I was overwhelmed with the responses (in my DMs and comments) from women who agreed they do not feel comfortable either.
Although my social media post was a light expression. Women not feeling safe is a very serious and emotional topic. It was only a few weeks ago that Sarah Everard was allegedly kidnapped and murdered as she walked home from her friends house in London. And only a few months ago, in Vancouver, Jamie Coutts filmed a man stalking her in broad daylight for hours…relentlessly. If you’re a woman of color, the odds are against you even more. A United Nations study concluded that Indigenous women are 7 times more like to be killed, and almost 3 times more likely to be physically and sexually assaulted.
Most women have a painful story to tell of why they don’t feel safe in public. And most women have safety measures in place because the fear of rape, misogynistic behaviour, and sexual assault is real and happens all the time. Recently, a male friend laughed at me as I locked my apartment door to grab something from my car. He said ‘why are you locking it, we’ll be gone 5 mins’. My ‘safety measure actions’ are on auto-pilot. I locked my door because a man could hide in my apartment and rape me. I’ve learned, as a woman, to play it safe and to protect myself. This is just a part of life for me.
So coming back to my social media post…which was receiving an overwhelming response. I decided to create a poll to find out how many women also sense they would dress differently if men didn’t exist.
Here’s the Instagram story poll with the results…
Here’s where things turned interesting…
Not a single woman disagreed with my expressions. But guess who did? White men. Here are some of the messages I received which consist of guilting, gaslighting, and the ever-famous ‘not all men’ response:
So, how do you deal with a man who says ‘Not all men’? This is not unlike people who say ‘All Lives Matter’ in response to ‘Black Lives Matter’. It gives off the same vibration.
Here’s how I responded. Take what you need from this response. I hope it can inspire you to stay rooted in your truth:
“You are here to defend your fellow men instead of resonate with a very lived experience for women...and in particular women of color.
I respect it must be uncomfortable for men to recognize you’re part of a demographic that causes harm. And it must be uncomfortable to recognize a patriarchal and racist system that exists for women...and in particular, for women of color like myself.
Your response is in the vibe of ‘not all men’...and for that, there are plenty of articles online which can educate you on why not to say this.
The unequal and unsafe environment I live in (along with many other women) does exist...whether "all men" contribute to it or not.
The problem with a ‘not all men’ sentiment is that it’s centering you as the victim instead of resonating and helping the women experiencing this.
Not all men are like this but without active action, support, and advocacy for women experiencing this...its just making this experience continue for women.
So, since you have a conscious community of men, can you share what you are doing to help marginalized groups, women of color, or perhaps even women in general?
I am a woman of color who has experience marginalization, fetishization, harassment, and sexual assault. Statistics in Canada (from reputable sources including the United Nations) show that Indigenous women are 3 times more likely to be physically and sexually assaulted. And 7 times more likely to be killed.
This topic - of being topless - goes so much deeper...I’ve shared a pretty mild example. And it is far bigger than being about men...as a group. This is about major, structural and systemic inequalities.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that not feeling safe is an emotional topic for many women. And too many have a story to tell of a time they felt unsafe or were violated. This is happening all over the world. I see you and I’m with you.
Here’s a video on my expressions of this topic:
Jai Ma Sisters!
Joss Frank - Wild Womb
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